My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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