Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
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i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
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And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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