I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
