I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
