why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
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She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
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My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
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