p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
