She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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