What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
