I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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