So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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