I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
