dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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