The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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