You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
