peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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