My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
