naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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