That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
