OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
love makes seman taste better
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
