so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
There r osticjed everywhere
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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