this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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