I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
