my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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