i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
