I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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