I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
