I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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