Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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