i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
