just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
