I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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