The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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