Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
