I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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