She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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