I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
