you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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