Texts From Last Night

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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.

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  (770): I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too. http://tfl.nu/c8jr
  Replies (24) Good night (819) Bad night (4217)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out

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  (502): we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out http://tfl.nu/ipng
  Replies (9) Good night (1020) Bad night (4209)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.

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  (419): had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me. http://tfl.nu/ffp2
  Replies (4) Good night (1010) Bad night (2414)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.

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  (207): I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off. http://tfl.nu/j6re
  Replies (14) Good night (1114) Bad night (3142)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues

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  (703): I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues http://tfl.nu/075m
  Replies (7) Good night (2130) Bad night (902)
• Favorite

  (915): View more from Texas

  Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.

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  (915): Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand. http://tfl.nu/jhm4
  Replies (4) Good night (1213) Bad night (604)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.

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  (412): You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you. http://tfl.nu/l1dm
  Replies (7) Good night (727) Bad night (1129)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

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  (203): Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny http://tfl.nu/4qb9
  Replies (9) Good night (4060) Bad night (916)
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  (435): View more from Utah

  Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.

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  (435): Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender. http://tfl.nu/assa
  Replies (4) Good night (1047) Bad night (587)
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Oh god, what has my life become?

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  (301): I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him. (301): Oh god, what has my life become? http://tfl.nu/d6o7
  Replies (6) Good night (831) Bad night (411)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.

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  (248): Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift. http://tfl.nu/gpor
  Replies (5) Good night (896) Bad night (563)
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wow.

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  (570): Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand? (1-570): Wow. http://tfl.nu/2i6h
  Replies (0) Good night (556) Bad night (358)
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.

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  (904): I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night. http://tfl.nu/zawb
  Replies (1) Good night (266) Bad night (539)
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  (805): View more from California

  I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.

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  (805): I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled. http://tfl.nu/0c1d
  Replies (3) Good night (612) Bad night (350)
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar

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  (727): One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar http://tfl.nu/bkjj
  Replies (3) Good night (552) Bad night (301)

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