Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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