Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
sarcasm needs its own font
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
