I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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