Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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