did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
