her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
