no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
