I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
