Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
