what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
