I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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