EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
