I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
