and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
