half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
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It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
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I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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