I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
