She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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