Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
