some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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