she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
