Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
