he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
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Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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