I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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