Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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